


Don't Leave Me

by ohhowellno



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Car Accidents, Injury, M/M, Major Character Injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 13:50:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 13,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8146420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohhowellno/pseuds/ohhowellno
Summary: When you love someone so much they can never do anything wrong. Right? But when they do something wrong it seems like everything goes to pieces. And sometimes it's hard to put the pieces back together.





	1. Chapter 1 (Dan's POV)

I never knew you could love someone so much it physically hurt. Not before Phil. Phil and I have been in an amazing relationship for almost 5 years. I mean yeah there was a couple of hard times, but for the most part, we are completely and totally 100% in love.   
Anyway, Phil has been away for the past 3 days on holiday with his family, he should be back late tomorrow, and it’s only 5 days but I’ve caught myself talking out loud to him then realizing what I did and getting embarrassed, even though no one actually heard. My phone started ringing at the exact moment I did one of these embarrassing talking to myself things. It was Phil, it’s like he knew or something.  
“Hey babe, how’s the American life treating you?” I said.  
“Y’know Dan I think that we should move here,” Phil said quickly.  
“Very funny, I don’t think America would be good for us, I mean look at who’s the presidential candidates,” I laughed. Soon we were both laughing at nothing.  
“I miss you,” I said suddenly.  
“Miss you too, but I’ll see you tomorrow!” Phil said excitedly. Our phone conversation carried on, talking about Phil’s fun time in America, and how bored and lonely I was.   
“Why don’t you go and visit your family??” He said.  
“Phil, you know how my family and I are, we aren’t that close like your family is, it’ll just be awkward and I’m not feeling that at the moment.”  
“I know I know, I just hate seeing you be so lonely,” he said.  
“Don’t worry about me, I’ll see you tomorrow, I’ll be fine for another day! Well I better go, it’s bed time here,” I said.  
“Right,” he said, “timezoned again.” This made us go into a fit of laughter again.  
“I really should go to bed,” I said still laughing, “I love you.”  
“I love you too, so much, byee.”  
“Bye babe,” I said while I was hanging up. I hated getting ready for bed by myself, Phil and I had this process thing, where we could get ready for bed together quickly and not getting in each other’s way. Doing it alone was just kind of… weird. Not as weird as getting into bed alone. Phil’s side being cold just felt uncomfortable, so to get rid of the weird coldness I laid spread-eagle on the bed trying to take up all of the space, and I fell asleep like this

The next day was pretty uneventful, just waiting for Phil to come home. I filmed another Reasons Why Dan’s a Fail video, the list never ran out, honestly. I was in the middle of editing it when I heard the front door opening.  
“Hello?” I heard Phil’s voice calling up the stairs. I jumped up and ran down the stairs to give him a hug.  
“Hey! Missed you!” I said, I don’t know why, but I was excited to see him back.  
“I haven’t seen you this excited to see me since, like, the first day we met,” Phil said laughing.  
“I know, it’s weird, I don’t even like you that much, obviously,” I said. Phil laughed and I carried his suitcase up the stairs for him.   
“Not gonna lie, jet lag is killing me right now, I think I’m just going to go to bed now,” he said.  
“That’s fine,” I said, “I have to finish editing a video anyway.” We were up for a bit. Phil was telling me about a crazy flight attendant on the plane who kept trying to offer him different types of wine.  
“I don’t know why! I think she really really wanted me to get drunk!” he said as he was taking out his contacts and putting on his glasses.  
“Maybe she wanted you to pass out so she wouldn’t have to hear you speak,” I said.  
“Ha ha, but maybe you never know,” he said, “well after that insult I think that I’m gonna go to sleep.”  
“Alrighty, love you,” I said giving him a quick peck on the lips.  
“When are you planning on coming to bed?”   
“Dunno, probably after I’m done editing.”  
“Alright goodnight, love you,” he said.

The next morning Phil and I were sitting next to each other on the couch, not speaking but leaned against each other. I honestly loved this, we were so comfortable with each other we could sit in silence and it was never awkward. This was when my phone vibrated.   
“Hey Felix just invited us to a party tomorrow. Marzia just made another book,” I said sitting up.  
“Did he really,” Phil said, “I always got the vibe that they didn’t like us that much.”  
“Really? Why?”  
“Because we’re weird,” he said.  
“Yeah no lie there,” I said, “so you wanna go?”  
“Sure, I guess, why not?”


	2. Chapter 2 (Phil's POV)

I’m not really a party guy, but Dan wanted to go. I honestly think that he wanted to go because he wanted Felix to like him more, but usually at parties we stick together and stand in the background by the snack table. Felix and Marzia never put on a boring party, though. Their parties were always kind of over the top at a really nice venue, with a LOT of people.   
As usual Dan spent way longer than necessary getting ready. I don’t know what’s wrong with him honestly, I throw on a nice button up shirt and my “better” black jeans. But Dan? He spends like 30 minutes trying on different outfits. But this was also something that I thought was very cute. Dan just always trying to be perfect.  
“Phil,” he called from down the hallway, “Phil, what do you think of this one?” He came out wearing the black jacket with a bunch of random zips on it and a grey shirt underneath.  
“Dan that is literally the outfit that you wear so much people make fun of you for it,” I said.  
“I know,” he said “I just really really like it. I wish they would stop giving me shit about it sometimes. I mean, it’s not like I don’t wash it, I just think that it looks good.” He came out showing off three different outfits, but he finally decided on his leather button up shirt and the shirt with two dogs. It was honestly one of my favorite outfits of his.  
So with Dan and his many outfit choices, we ended up being 40 minutes late to the party. Typical. We were usually the last ones to show up at a party. When we got there it was in full swing. Loud music and lots of food. It kind of felt more like a club to be honest, and clubs just kind of freak me out. But as soon as we got there Dan was really into it, especially when Felix and Marzia came over, which kind of confirmed my theory of Dan wanting them to think that we were cool instead of two awkward gangly guys with matching hair cuts.  
“Hey guys thanks for coming,” said Marzia.  
“You’re welcome,” said Dan happily, “do you guys want to head over to the bar and get some drinks or something?” The pair agreed and the three of them started walking away together.  
“Dan wait,” I called, “I really don’t like drinking around a lot of people, you know this.”  
“Well,” he said, “either you stop being a pussy or just watch.” Marzia giggled a bit and Dan looked pleased with himself. I was very taken aback. Why was he being such a douche? Really he doesn’t have to do this to have people think that he’s cool? After a few shots Dan was acting even more douchier? When Dan was fully drunk I felt like I needed to step in. He was with a group of guys that he was usually afraid of. Felix was included. He was being obnoxious and rude.   
“Hey, Dan, do you want to go and… y’know… go home? You’re getting a little too drunk,” I said. But instead of answering me he turned the other way and started having a conversation with a guy that I didn’t know, standing next to him. Instead of getting mad at him, I was just worried about him, he was trying to be cool and he was just making a fool of himself. I was relieved when I saw Louise walk in. So relieved I actually almost ran over to her.  
“Hey Phil,” she was kind of surprised at my behavior I think.  
“Hey, what’s up,” I said trying to act casual.  
“Oh nothing. I wasn’t really planning on coming, but then at the last second I decided to come,” she said.  
“Oh cool, cool,” I said, glancing over at Dan, who was currently taking another round of shots.  
“Where’s Da-... oh God, what the hell is he doing,” she said just noticing him. But then again he wasn’t that hard to notice.  
“Yeah, I don’t know what has gotten into him tonight, he’s lost it, I honestly think that he’s trying to be cool.”   
“Well, he’s doing the exact opposite, he looks like an arse.” I just kind of chuckled at this. I couldn’t even argue to this, it was true.   
“I tried to stop him and get him to come home with me, but he didn’t even speak to me,” I said. Trying to hold back the sadness.  
“It’s alright, let him make an arse of himself tonight, then give him shit about it tomorrow. Especially if he has a crazy hangover, which I’m sure he will.” I’m so glad that Louise showed up. We stood in the back just chatting. We both didn’t drink. We both didn’t like it, and the fact that we felt like we had to keep checking on Dan and making sure he didn’t die of alcohol poisoning or something, because every time we checked he was either at the bar, heading to bar, or laughing and talking very loudly.   
I was telling Louise about my trip to America with my family, my back facing the bar, and Dan. Louise’s eyes widened but she didn’t say anything.   
“Wha-, oh,” I said turning around, I literally had no words. Dan was in a grinding sandwich, one guy  
in front and one guy behind him. He looked like he was having the time of his life.  
“What. The. Fuck,” I said, Louise looked shocked, this was the first time that she has ever heard me swear, like ever. The sadness and anger hit me at almost the same time. I half walked half ran to Dan with Louise close behind me.   
“Dan what the hell are you doing??” I said, trying to hold back tears.   
“Phil, chill out nothing is happening,” Dan slurred, as the guy who was grinding in front of him turned around and wrapped himself around and wrapped himself around his neck.  
“Really Dan, really? Nothing is happening?” I said tears now streaming down my face, “I knew we shouldn’t have gone to this party. You are being such an ass Dan.”   
“Just go home or something Phil, I’ll be there later tonight, or maybe in the morning,” he said. I turned and ran, before I knew it I was in a taxi on my way home. The driver didn’t say anything after I’d given him the address. I mean what would he say there was a grown ass man   
sitting in his taxi sobbing his eyes out. Then out of the corner of my eye as we went through a busy intersection I saw a car run the red light, the taxi driver scream and swerve and loud crash… then nothing.


	3. Chapter 3 (Dan's POV)

I honestly have no idea how I got home. Did I walk? Did someone drive me? No fucking clue, but I do know that I woke up in bed with the worst headache that I’ve ever had. I turned over and noticed that Phil wasn’t in bed with me. I don’t remember much from last night but I do remember that I wasn’t around Phil for most of it, I really hope he’s not mad at me I was kind of an ass. I spent a few more minutes in bed wallowing in my self pity about my massive headache, finally I decided it was time to move. I walked slowly and groggily to the kitchen. Was I still a bit drunk? No clue, but I wouldn’t be surprised. After taking some pain pills I headed to the lounge to see what Phil was up to, but he wasn’t there. It didn’t take me long to search the house and realize that Phil wasn’t there.  
Confused, I went back to the bedroom and got my phone. I was shocked when I saw how many messages and missed calls I had on it. 11 missed calls and 27 messages from Louise, and 4 missed calls from Phil’s brother, Martyn. That was really strange, and all of Louise’s messages just said, “call me asap.” So I called her. Something was definitely happening. She picked up at the first ring.  
“Fucking finally, Dan you need to come to the hospital, right. Now,” she seemed angry, but I also could hear in her voice that she had been crying.   
“What? why?” I said slowly, the missed calls and messages were slowly starting to make sense  
“Phil was in a terrible car accident, a drunk driver hit the taxi he was in, he’s on life support. Dan it’s bad, come now. He’s in a coma. Doctors are trying to save him, Dan n-,” I didn’t hear the rest of what she said I was already running around pulling on shoes, I obviously didn’t bother to change my clothes, or even brush my teeth. I ran out of the flat sobbing and hailed a taxi as fast as I could.  
“Where to son?” asked the driver, he seemed pretty cheerful.  
“I need to get to the London Bridge hospital as fast as possible, now go, go,” I said inbetween sobs. The driver didn’t say anything else, but he drove as fast as the London traffic would allow. The drive usually took about 10 minutes but we got there in 5 thanks to the driver. I threw cash at him and told him to keep the change. Sprinting into the hospital, I ran to the front desk, “I need- to get- to urgent care- now,” I said panting. The nurse didn’t even question.   
“Yes honey, 2nd floor take a left when you get up there it’s right there. Ask the nurse at the desk for the patient's room,” she said quickly. I nodded and started running again. The lift was too slow, I took the steps, two at a time.  
“I need Phil Lester’s room number, now,” breathing heavily to the nurse at the urgent care desk.  
“2009,” she said, “are you Dan Howell?”  
“Yes I am.”  
“Ok you are one of the people that has been given special permission to enter his room.” I didn’t answer her. I was already running to room 2009. It was the 4th door on the left. There were a couple of chairs outside of the room, and Louise and Martyn were occupying them, both asleep.  
“Guys,” I said kind of too loudly, and they both woke with a start.  
“Dan,” said Louise jumping out of her chair, but Martyn didn’t move and gave me a dirty look. I was confused, as we’ve always been on really good terms. That wasn’t important at this moment though.  
“How is he?” I said slowly.  
“Dan, he’s not good at all, it’s really bad,” Louise whispered.  
“Really?” I whispered back.   
“You would’ve known sooner if you answered your Goddamn phone,” Martyn said nastily. Louise waved her hand at him.   
“We aren’t allowed in, only you, because you’re his spouse, and his parents, who are on their way right now, but the doctor told us that he’s critical,” she said holding back tears, I couldn’t hold mine back though, I started sobbing and I fell into her arms.   
“You have to go in and seem him,” she said stepping back, wiping tears away, “you have to find a nurse to let you in. Did you bring your wallet?” I nodded.  
“Good because you have to have an ID to be let in.” A nurse walked by at that moment and I waved her down.  
“I need to go in there and see my h-husband,” I said, barely making those words come out.  
“Oh yes,” the nurse seemed very sweet, “I just need to see if you are approved to go in do you have i-,” but I already had my wallet pulled out. She glanced at it and nodded scanning her nurse’s card over the handle of the door and I heard it unlock.  
“Do you want me to go in with you?” she asked nicely. I shook my head, and walked into the room slowly. The door shut behind me. The sight was horrifying. I could barely see Phil. So many beeps and other noises. I tiptoed to his bed, I don’t know why. He obviously couldn’t hear me, but I felt like I needed to be quiet.   
I got to the edge of his bed, I didn’t start crying like I thought I would. I was too far into shock. Phil had tubes and wires connected to almost every inch of his body, there was even one down his throat. He had a large bandage covering a cut down his right cheek, and many bruises on both his face and the parts of his arm that I could see. This is when it finally all hit and I started crying harder than I had been that day, harder than I ever had in my life.  
“Phil, Phil, I’m so sorry, Phil this is all my fault. How could I do this to you? I did this to you,” I said over and over again. I went over to grab his right hand that wasn’t all the way covered with anything. I kneeled so I could press his hand against my cheek and cry with his hand on my face. His hands were cold, colder than usual. I eventually stopped crying, but I stayed there with his hand on my face for what felt like an eternity.


	4. Chapter 4 (Phil's POV)

It all started out as a white blur, then slowly everything started to become clearer. I was in a room that I recognized instantly. It was my old green and blue bedroom from my parent’s house. Confused I started looking around, then with a start I saw… myself sitting on the bed with my laptop sitting in my lap. I walked next to my own self to see what was on the computer, it was Dan. Then I realized this is the first time that I had ever Skyped with him.  
“Y’know you really are a big inspiration to me,” he said shyly.  
“That is an honor,” my past self said. I almost laughed out loud my accent was so Northern it was ridiculous.   
“Dan, I don’t know why you are so nervous,” said past me, “we’ve been talking on Twitter for the past like I dunno, two weeks.”   
“I guess it’s different because, like, I can actually see you and you can see me when I fuck up or something,” he said. I forgot how awkwardly cute Dan was when we first started talking. My love for him swelled. I started walking around my old room while past Dan and myself were Skyping away. It was a mess, socks scattered all over the floor, old cringey t-shirts everywhere, and a bunch of strange and random things hanging on the wall.   
I had forgotten how much I had loved this room, even though it was very, very cringe.  
“So Dan, tell me a secret about yourself,” this statement from past self made me start paying attention to the conversation again.  
“A secret?” he said.  
“Yup, Dan Howell, I want a secret, that no one knows about you,” I said. Dang, I was pushing the ‘aggressive’ borderline. Apparently Dan liked it or something because he wouldn’t have agreed to date me if he didn’t.   
“Um… ok… so guess this is kinda, like, embarrassing, I guess, I don’t know,” he stuttered out nervously.  
“I want to hear it, Dan,” past me said. Present me knew exactly what that secret was.  
“Well, like I did tell you I had a girlfriend for like, a really long time, and I dunno, I wasn’t really comfortable with actually doing anything, so yeah basically, I’m a virgin,” he whispered the last three words.  
“Are you really now,” past me said leaning back on the pillows, “well that’s interesting, I can fix that for you.” Holy crap, I guess I didn’t remember being this… sexual on our first Skype call, like Jesus Christ Phil give the kid a break! I looked at past Dan’s face, it was bright red.   
“Don’t worry Dan, I’ll teach you,” past me winked.  
“I would like that,” he said, the redness in his face leaving. Our past selves got off the sex topic after a few promises of teaching and wishing we were together right now so we could just go at it. It was amazing to see us that young. Those were some good old days. I tried to go out the door to look at the rest of the house, but I couldn’t. The door wouldn’t move. I guess maybe because the outside wasn’t part of the memory.   
Wait. A memory. This is a memory, and I’m here. But not as myself? But still myself? What? Am I dead, why am I seeing these things? Then the memory, it was clear now. I left that party, then, that drunk driver ran the red light and slammed into us, then I slightly remember blood running down my face and the sheer pain and getting put into an ambulance, and that’s it. Why did I leave that party - Wait Dan! He was being such an ass! Dan, oh God, oh no, what is he doing right now? I hope he’s ok.   
All the anger seemed to slip away,then. He was drunk, he didn’t know what he was doing, oh no. But, am I dead? What is going on, I wondered looking back at our young, happy selves.


	5. Chapter 5 (Dan's POV)

“Hey, sweetie, you need to leave the room so Phil’s parents can see him,” the same nurse said as she shook me awake. I woke up groggily, not remembering where I was for a moment. Then it all came back. I was in a hospital in a terribly uncomfortable chair, holding my husband’s hand, who was close to death. I wish I could go back to sleep, I just had an amazing dream about our first Skype phone call.  
“How long have I been in here?” I asked the nurse.  
“Oh a couple of hours I think, I’m not sure though. We have to let Mrs. and Mr. Lester in here to see their son, and there can only be two people in this room so you need to leave,” she said. I looked at Phil again, I hated looking at Phil. He obviously didn’t look like himself. His fringe was pushed back, I reached over and fixed it. Not sure why, maybe to make him look more like himself. And he did, for a moment, then I heard the machines and all that was lost.  
I left the room, crying silently. That’s when I saw Phil’s parents. His mum came running and gave me a huge hug. She was crying too.  
“Are you ok dear?” she asked holding my face.  
“Fine as I can be in this situation,” I said. “How are you?”   
“Not too great,” she said, “but it’ll be ok, if anyone could push through this it’s Phil.”  
“Do you know what happened,” his dad asked.  
“Erm, no haven’t had time to ask, I’ve been in there with him this whole time, all I know that a drunk driver hit the taxi,” I said.  
“Yeah that’s basically what happened, nothing more to the story, he was coming home from somewhere, and it just happened, I wish I knew where he was coming home from. When did you find out?” his mum said this all very quickly.  
“Oh Dan knows where he was coming home from, don’t you Daniel?” said Martyn still sitting in his chair. I hadn’t even realized that he was there.  
“What,” said his dad glancing back from Martyn to me, looking very confused.   
“Oh, Dan knows exactly why this happened, would you like to share it with the class,” he said. I had never heard Martyn be angry, it was almost scary. “No, you don’t want to tell? Fine, I will, then. Dan and Phil went to a party, instead of sticking together like a couple, Dan decided to leave and try to be cool so he could impress other Youtubers, Dan got drunk as fuck and Phil had it and left when he saw Dan grinding up on some other dudes.” My heart dropped.  
“I did that? How do you know,” I said quietly and sheepish.  
“Too drunk to remember, I know because Louise was there, she saw you do that too,” he said glaring at me.  
“It’s ok Martyn,” said his mum, “just give him a break he didn’t know what he was doing, he obviously regrets it.”  
“Oh yeah he does now, but he did this and now my brother might die! This is your fault Dan!” he yelled and stormed away. I collapsed on the floor shaking in a mess of tears, it is my fault. I already knew that! Now I know that other people know that too.  
“Dan, it really isn’t your fault, it’s the drunk driver’s fault,” Phil’s mum said sitting next to me and pulling me into her arms, she was also crying, “he could have hit anyone, Phil’s taxi was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.” But it wouldn’t have been if not for me, I thought to myself. We sat on the floor for a bit, just crying, with Mr. Lester standing above us, also crying silently. The same sweet nurse that woke me up brought us a box of tissues, and we used all of them.  
“Well,” said Mrs. Lester, standing up and wiping her eyes, “I think it’s time that we go in and see him… um… Dan.”  
“Yeah?”  
“Is he… bad,” she asked softly.  
“Well he has lots of bruises and a cut on his cheek, it’s covered, but really you can’t see him that well. He has a ridiculous amount of tubes and wires on him.” She just nodded and turned to see that a nurse was holding the door open for her and her husband. They grabbed hands and walked in together.   
This is when I realized what day it was, it’s Sunday, everyone was going to be confused if Phil didn’t give an explanation as to why he’s not doing a liveshow, and I didn’t want to cause any panic, yet, so I logged onto Phil’s twitter account from my phone and wrote a quick,”hey guys I don’t feel good today so no liveshow this week, sorry!” tweet. I technically didn’t lie in that tweet, he doesn't feel good enough to do a liveshow. I looked at the responses. They were mostly nice feel better soon, or get well tweets.   
I sat alone in the hospital hallway for a bit until I decided to see where Louise was. She answered her phone quickly, just like she always does.  
“Hey, how are you feeling,” she asked as soon as she answered.  
“Empty,” I said dully.  
“I don’t blame you,” she said. “Do you want to go grab lunch or something? Get your mind off things?”  
“Louise, I will not be able to get my mind off of this,” I said.  
“I know, I know, sorry bad wording, I just mean do you want to leave the hospital for a bit?”   
“Uh, yeah, sure, Phil’s parents are in with him, I’m sure they’ll be in there for a while,” I said.  
“Alright well I’m in the lobby, meet you downstairs.” I kind of got up unwillingly and walked slowly to the lift. Don’t have to worry about it being slow now. Louise and I went to a small Thai restaurant that we go to occasionally. I didn’t want to eat but Louise insisted so I just ordered a small meal and picked at it more than ate it.  
“Louise,” I started.  
“What.”  
“Martyn thinks that this whole thing is my fault. That Phil wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me, if I wasn’t such an ass last night, and it’s so true,” I started crying again. She got up and sat on my side of the booth wrapping her arms around me.   
“D-do you think it’s m-my fault?” She hesitated a bit.  
“Dan, Martyn’s just upset, his little brother is in the hospital in critical condition, he doesn’t know how to handle it.”  
“You didn’t answer my question,” I said looking her straight in the eyes. She hesitated again.  
“No I don’t think that it was your fault. Phil left because you were an ass, yes, but it was the driver’s fault. Not yours. It’s not your fault,” she said finally.  
“Do you actually believe that?”  
“Yes Dan I do. Phil’s a fighter, he can get through this, it’ll all be ok.”  
“I haven’t even talked to the doctor yet. To see how he actually is, get some professional advice or whatever,” I said.  
“Are you staying at the hospital tonight?” she asked.  
“There’s no way in hell that I’m going home,” I said, “there’s an armchair in the room I can sleep in that,”  
“Did you bring anything with you?”  
“Nope.”  
“Ok well I’ll bring you what you need, um Dan?”  
“What?”  
“Well… um,” she paused for a moment, “what did he look like?” Ah yes the second time today that I have been asked this question. And I already hated it.  
“Tubes and wires, so many. You can barely see him, he even has one going down his throat to breathe for him. You can kind of see his face, not the left part though, that’s got a huge bandage on it to cover up a cut. And he has so many bruises. He’s freezing cold too. And there's so many noises in the room. All the beeping and buzzing from all the different machines, but in a weird way you feel like you have to stay quiet, like you don’t want to wake him up or something. But if I could be loud and wake him up I’d do it in a heartbeat, oh God I want him to wake up.”


	6. Chapter 6 (Phil's POV)

Just as soon as the Skype call thing appeared it disappeared. Then I was in a train station. I recognized it immediately, it was Piccadilly Station. Then I noticed my past self and was mad at myself when I didn’t realize that this was the first time that I’d met Dan in person. My past self was glancing nervously around and I kept checking my watch. I actually remember what time he was supposed to be getting in, 1:30 pm.   
Every time an announcement for another train coming in came over the speaker system past me jumped a little bit. Finally the speaker came on announcing that the ‘London 1:30 pm train will be arriving shortly on platform 7.’ Young me got up and almost sprinted to the platform. I chuckled and followed myself. I remember how nervous both were and it was honestly, pretty cute.   
People were starting to get off the train and little me was jumping to see over people, I was already a head over most of them, but I was doing it anyway.Then as soon as Dan got off the train, I tried to play cool for 2 seconds, but as soon as I saw his face light up I started running towards him and we collided in a giant hug. I stood there watching my younger self meet the love of his life in person, something I never thought I would experience again, and it kind of made me tear up a little bit.   
I remember that young Dan was kind of an awkward mess. It was endearing, after the hug that seemed like it went on forever we took a step back and just stared at each other. After a while I said, “well we can go to my house, film a video then I can give you a tour around Manchester how does that sound to you?” Dan nodded and we walked off together, not holding hands, but standing ridiculously close to each other. Then slowly this memory faded out.

Another one faded in, we were back in my old room, young me was standing there and Dan entered the room slowly. As soon as he walked in his face just lit up.  
“Recognize this place don’t ya,” young me said in my obnoxiously thick Northern accent. Dan just nodded then said, “it’s weird to finally, like you know be in here.”  
“So do you want a film a video? I think we should put in on my channel,” past me asked.  
“Oh yeah, I, uh, actually had an idea for it actually, um I wrote a bunch of questions,” he said pulling a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket, “and I think we should call it Phil is not on fire.” Dan stared at me eagerly, I stood there for a second and smiled.   
“That sounds perfect!” I said and Dan’s smile widened.   
I watched our past selves film the first pinof. It was honestly so strange, watching us be silly in my room, for the first time. It amazed me how much has changed, how far that we’ve both came. I looked over and noticed that we were almost done with our video, then Dan said the iconic line, “this is the most fun that I’ve ever had.” And I tackled him. We laid on the floor with our foreheads pressed together just staring into each other’s eyes. You know everyone says that my eyes are beautiful. But I really do think that Dan has some amazing eyes too, they’re so warm, and always seem happy, even when he’s not.  
We just stared at each other for about 10 minutes, we didn’t move, we didn’t speak, I remember this very well. It was very… peaceful. Young me sat up finally.  
“Should probably turn off the camera shouldn’t I?” young me said, finally sitting up.  
“Oh shit, I forgot that the camera was still on,” said Dan, he paused, “I could’ve done that forever.”   
“Done what? Turn off the camera?”  
“Wha- no, just lie there,” he said.  
“Me too, but we have to get moving! I want to show so many places!’’ Then the memory faded again. 

Fading back in I gasped as soon as I saw where we were, the Manchester Eye, our first kiss. I noticed us, sitting in the back corner, ridiculously close and holding both of the others hands. Another thing that I remember so well. I was a nervous wreck. I wanted him to like me back so bad. Deep down I knew he did, but I needed the confirmation.   
We were talking about our day in Manchester. We had so much fun, we went and got shakes at Shakeaway, and just kind of wandered for a bit, looking into shops and other things. And like Dan said, that was the most fun that I’d ever had, at least to that point.  
After the conversation about our day we sat there in awkward silence for a bit, with our hands still wrapped together. Dan looked at me, “I really like you Phil,” he said and he leaned in and before I knew it we were kissing on the Manchester Eye.  
I remember that I was happy he said he liked me, but also pretty surprised that he kissed me, I really didn’t think that he would be confident enough or whatever. I watched as we pulled apart and sat there in after first kiss bliss.  
“This really is the most fun that I’ve ever had,” said Dan quietly, laying his head on my past selves shoulder.


	7. Chapter 7 (Dan's POV)

I slept in the armchair, like I said I would, last night. I woke up with a blanket on me. I didn’t fall asleep like that, a nurse or something must have put it on me. I hated looking at Phil, but he was still there. Tubes and everything. I know that all these things that were connected to him were keeping him alive, obviously, but I hated them. Every single one of them. Made my baby not look like my baby.  
Slowly getting up and stretching I walked over to Phil with the blanket wrapped around my shoulders.Someone pushed his hair back again. I just used one finger to fix it. I moved my hand back when I was finished and just stared at him. He was so beautiful, even in this state. I started tracing his face with my finger. It’s only been a day and I miss him so much. Why was I such a terrible person at that party. We never should’ve went in the first place.  
There was a small knock on the door and I heard it unlock as a nurse walked in.  
“Oh good you’re awake,” she smiled, “sorry you looked cold last night, I put that blanket on you.”  
“Well thank you, that was very nice.”  
“You are his husband. Right?”  
“Yes I am.”  
“Ok well the doctor would like to speak with you,” she said.  
“Oh, yeah alright, send him in.” The nurse nodded and left the room. A few minutes later there was another light knock on the door. The doctor entered. He was older probably pushing 60 with more grey in his hair than black.  
“Hi I’m Dr. Kramer,” he said reaching out to shake my hand.  
“Dan Howell,” I said shaking his hand.   
“How about we sit down,” he said gesturing to the arm chair. I sat and he pulled up one of the harder chairs to face me. I realized I still had the blanket wrapped around me like a superhero cape. I took it off, not wanting to look immature or something.  
“So you are Phil’s… husband, correct?” He said sitting down looking at a clipboard. He said the word husband in a surprised tone.  
“Yes,” I said sitting up straighter.  
“Ok, well let’s just get started, are you aware of what state your husband is in?”  
“Erm… no. I haven’t been given any details yet.”   
“Ok, well I’m going to tell you what we think happened and then his injuries,” the doctor said. I just nodded. I’m not sure if I’m ready for this. But I’ll have to find out sooner or later.  
“So, Phil Lester was hit by a drunk driver at approximately 1:26 am on Sunday June, 6th,” he said reading off the clipboard, “taxi driver killed instantly, Lester received many critical injuries.” I gasped loudly, I hadn’t even thought about the driver, I didn’t even know this guy, but I started crying. The doctor glanced up at me and gave me a small, sad smile.  
“The following are the injuries Lester received: extreme whiplash, causing trauma to the severe trauma to neck muscles and head, blunt force trauma breaking several ribs and causing lungs to collapse, a large gash on left side of the face, many broken bones including left arm and leg and a broken pelvis,” the doctor finally finished.   
I was sobbing again. I glanced over at Phil’s body. I can’t believe that my baby had to go through all of that. How can someone be so stupid and drive drunk? And the poor driver. I wonder where his family is and how they’re doing. I looked the doctor in the eyes.   
“Is that all?” I asked.  
“Yes,” he said, “the was major internal bleeding too, but that has been dealt with. What we are worried about his collapsed lungs and his brain trauma. The brain trauma is what caused him to go into a coma.” The doctor looked over at Phil. Then looked at me again.   
“He’s a fighter, most people wouldn’t have survived something like that,” he said softly, “but no one can survive that much Phil has a 25% chance of living. We are working very hard. He has a surgery today to try to repair his lungs, we are also debating whether or not we should give him a brain surgery.”  
“Brain surgery?” I asked loudly.   
“His head trauma is very severe if the surgery is done correctly it will shoot his chance of living from 25% to 75%,” the doctor said.   
“If it’s done correctly?” I said looking incredulously at him, “what do you mean if it’s done correctly?”   
“I just mean, all surgeries can go wrong. But there is no worries, we have some of the best brain surgeons in the UK at this hospital.”   
“I don’t know…,” I said.  
“Well that’s why I came to speak to you,” he said, “I need you to discuss this with Phil’s family and get back with me as soon as possible. The faster you can talk to them the better. This surgery should be done soon.” He started standing up.  
“It would be better if you talk to them at this moment. I need to go Mr. Howell,” he said shaking my hand, “like I said, Phil’s a fighter. I’m really hoping that he can push through this.”  
“Me too,” I said quietly, “you have no idea.” As soon as the doctor left I was crying again, not sobbing, just… crying. I wrapped the blanket around my shoulders again, and walked over to Phil.   
“Did you hear that, baby? You’re a fighter. You can do this. I love you Phil,” I said and leaned over to kiss him on the forehead.


	8. Chapter 8 (Phil's POV)

I didn’t recognize the next memory instantly like I had with all the others. I was sitting on the couch in our lounge of the flat we live in now. I was just on my laptop, looked like I was just answering emails. The only strange thing about this memory was the lounge door was closed, we never close it, unless we are fighting.   
Then I realized what this memory was,because at the moment there was a knock on the door.  
“What,” I said pretty sharply. Dan walked in his eyes red and puffy, like he had been crying.   
“What’s wrong,” I asked a little softer. I knew exactly what this memory was now, this was during our rough patch in 2012 when we didn’t speak often and Dan was going through a hard time accepting his sexuality. He sat next to past me and started crying very hard. I pushed the laptop off my lap and pulled him into my arms. He sat there crying for several minutes.   
“Ph-phil I’m so sorry-y,” he spluttered out finally, “I’ve been such a d-dick for like a y-year. I just didn’t want people to n-not like me for being me.” He sat up and wiped his eyes  
“It’s ok babe, you can cry more if you want, I can kinda tell you want to.” He nodded and lied back in my arms. I sat there combing through his hair with my fingers while he was crying.  
This was such a hard time, I thought to myself. He didn’t know what to do and neither did I and it caused a lot of tension in our relationship. This memory is when we started going back to normal. I feel bad for him for what happened. Even now he gets a lot of crap for what happened almost 4 years ago. And it wasn’t just him either, I wasn’t very helpful while he was going through this.   
But Dan has grown so much with himself, he has become more confident and he has learned to love himself for who he is. I looked over at young Dan and felt a lump in my throat. I’m so proud of him. I love him so much. I realized how much I miss my Dan. And that got me thinking again, what the hell is going on?   
These memories were pretty clear, but everything had a slight blur around the edges. Does that mean I don’t remember very well. Or is it that I’m close to dying? I know this isn’t real, obviously. Is this what it is when they say right before you die your life flashes right before your eyes?   
Or am I already dead and this is my heaven? I’d be ok with that. Although I would be ok with this heaven. I really hope that I’m not dead. I need to see my Daniel again and tell him I forgive him for everything that happened at the party. It was all just so stupid.   
“Will you forgive me Phil?” I heard past Dan say, I turned my attention back to our past selves. My younger self pushed Dan off myself.   
“Dan I will always forgive you. I love you so much, you don’t even know and I could never hold you against you not knowing what to do with yourself.” Young Dan just nodded and cuddled into me, the memory faded out, but I know that we fell asleep sitting like that.

The next one that came in was a little clearer than the ones that I’ve had before, I wondered what that meant, it obviously meant something, but I brushed it off. I looked around for any details at what this memory might be and I literally giggled like a little school girl, like the last one this memory skipped forward a couple of years. This was the day that I proposed to Dan. Oh God this was definitely one of my favorite memories, this and our wedding. Oh I hope I get to see our wedding too.  
It was just a normal day, well at least that’s what Dan thought. I was so nervous that day it was bad, I kept panicking like what if he says no? But deep down I knew that he would never say no. We were walking around London, just exploring, we just had a meeting discussing our top secret book. In public we never held hands just in case anyone saw us, which was often.  
I saw past us looking in a window of a shop. And ran over to us so I could hear what we were saying.  
“I hope they like the book, I’m so nervous about it,” Dan was saying.  
“Of course they will,” I said squeezing his arm, “why wouldn’t they? It’s probably everything they would ever want.” Dan laughed at that. I saw past me stick my hand in my jacket pocket and was messing around with something, I knew exactly what that was, the ring box.  
“Um, do you want to go to the Sky Garden?” I asked quickly. We go there very seldom but I always thought that was a very pretty place, and a perfect place to propose.   
“Sky Garden? That’s random, but yeah sure, maybe we can get something to eat.” I nodded. I laughed out a sigh, didn’t even realize that I was holding my breath.  
Past Dan and I took a taxi to the Garden, so the memory blurred out for a moment and when it came back into focus Dan and I were walking around the Sky Garden, looking around, not holding hands but standing ridiculously close, the only way we could get closer was if I was giving him a piggy back ride.  
I laughed looking at us trying to be in love but look subtle about it in public, it’s always been a struggle. And I forgot at that time we were still struggling with it. I think we have it down to a science now though. The Garden was pretty quiet that day, which was perfect I didn’t want many people to see this.   
Dan didn’t realize that I was purposely guiding him to a quiet more closed off space. I followed us, I know I knew exactly what was going to happen, but I was excited to see it again and in a third person view. We sat on a bench in an even quieter place.   
“I forgot how pretty this place was,” Dan said looking around.   
“It is such a beautiful place,” I said, and I leaned over to kiss him.   
“Phil! We can’t do that in public!”  
“Yeah because all of these people are going to notice us,” I gestured to the completely empty room.  
“Just being cautious,” he said. I smiled really wide. It was happening! I get to watch my proposal again!!  
“Well if we can’t do that in public then it is really risky to do this in public,” past me said pulling the ring box out of my pocket, and getting down on one knee, “Dan Howell will you please marry me?” Dan had tears in his eyes and nodded.  
“Of course I’ll marry you Phil.” I got off of my knee and Dan stood up from the bench and almost tackled me, and almost knocking the ring box out of my hand. Me, present me, started crying. Just was so beautiful and I loved every second of getting to see it again.  
“Don’t knock the ring away,” past me said wiping my eyes, then reaching over to wipe Dan’s.  
“Oh yeah,” he laughed, “have to put that on don’t I?” He held out his left hand and I slipped the ring on his finger. He almost tackled me again, with all the hugs and kisses  
“I was thinking,” he said, finally breaking away from me, “that if you weren’t going to do it in a month, I was going to, kinda glad you did though.”  
“Dan I love you so much,” past me said.  
“I love you too,” he said pressing his forehead against mine and kissing me one last time. I watched as past us walked away, not caring about if anyone saw us holding hands. This was such a good memory to relive. Loved every second.   
Then my mind went back to my Dan, I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 1000 times, I miss him. I have no idea what’s going on. I have no idea where he is or what he’s doing, but I miss him with all of my heart, and I hope he is ok.


	9. Chapter 9 (Dan's POV)

Waiting for Phil’s parents to return from breakfast felt like an hour long. I wanted to talk to them now about this surgery. They wheeled him out to take him to the surgery for his lungs about an hour ago. I don’t know why but I was so worried while I watched him leave. Maybe I thought I would never see him again, and this isn’t even the worst surgery. Finally, Phil’s mum and dad came back.  
“Hi sweetie we brought you a muffin would you like it?” She asked holding out a pistachio muffin.  
“No I’m not hungry,” I muttered.  
“Honey have you eaten anything at all the past two days?” She asked. I shook my head  
“And have you been sleeping well?” I shook my head again.  
“I can tell,” she said, “you have horrible bags under your eyes? And have you showered or done anything to take care of yourself?”  
“How can I take care of myself while my husband is in a room dying?” I burst out, “sorry. I just mean… I can’t, I can’t leave him. I want to see him. If he only has a 25% chance of living I want to see him be alive for as long as possible, even with all the shit on him.”  
“He only has a 25% chance of living?” his mum asked quietly.  
“They haven’t told you?” I said, “yeah the doctor told me that earlier today. Which that brings up something I need to talk to you about.”  
“What’s that,” Phil’s dad responded, his mum was shaking with sobs and couldn’t speak.  
“The doctor said that if they put Phil into brain surgery it will boost his chance to live by almost 50 percent.”  
“Well have them do it then,” his dad said, “why is it even a question?”  
“Well it’s just, I dunno, brain surgery is just really scary. What if something goes wrong?”   
“That is always a risk with any surgery. We just have to trust the doctors,” he said.  
“So… tell the doctor to go for it,” I said.  
“Yes. Tell them that it is fine.” I nodded and went to find a nurse to pass on the message.

Two weeks passed, this surgery that he was going to go through was kind of a big deal, obviously. And it took a long time to prepare for it. The lung surgery went well. They were able to take the tube out of Phil’s throat, he could breathe for himself now. I could see all of his face. I spent most of my time curled up in the armchair in Phil’s room, staring off into space. I barely slept, I barely ate. I just wasn’t ever tired or hungry anymore.   
There was a knock on the door, another nurse. They always knocked, even when I wasn’t in here, which wasn’t often. It’s not like Phil would answer them anyway. The nurse walked in.  
“Hi Dan,” she said shyly, “just here to check Phil’s vitals. Oh, also there’s someone here that wants to talk to you.”   
“Who is it?” I muttered.  
“Uh, I don’t know she’s blonde.” I just nodded and walked slowly to the door. Louise was standing right outside.  
“Dan!” she exclaimed, almost tackling me with her hug.   
“Dan, oh God, everyone is so worried about you, your subscribers are coming to me and asking me what the hell is going on with you two,” she said, pulling back, “They are so w- oh God.”   
“What?” I said.  
“Dan you look… terrible… are you ok?”   
“Obviously not, what do you mean I look terrible.”  
“Have you looked at yourself recently?” she asked I just shook my head, so she took out her phone, opened the camera and handed it to me. I do admit I was kind of shocked when I saw myself. Dark bags under my eyes, I was paler than usual and I just looked extremely sick.  
“Dan when was the last time you had a proper meal, or the last time you slept through the night?”   
“Uh… I don’t know. Maybe… uh Friday?”  
“Dan it’s Tuesday.”  
“I know, I had some crackers that the nurse gave me today.”   
“Crackers are not a meal Dan,” Louise said softly grabbing my hand. I just nodded.   
“Why don’t we get something?” she asked.  
“No, no I can’t leave Phil,” I said.  
“He will be fine,” she said, “he has so many people looking after him you can leave for a bit.”   
“What if he dies while I’m gone? What if he leaves me?” I said, tears welling up in my eyes.   
“Oh, Dan, he won’t. It’s ok, there’s a small cafe really close to the hospital, let’s go there and then come back quickly. How does that sound?”  
“Ok, let me just go say goodbye really quick,” turning on my heel I walked back into Phil’s room. The nurse was still in there, poking and prodding at Phil.  
“How is he?” I asked her.  
“He’s doing fine, he hasn’t changed since the last time we came to check on him.”  
“Is that a good or bad thing?”   
“It’s a he’s alright for now thing.”   
“Ok well, I’m going out for a bit. Watch him for me.”  
“I will don’t worry,” she promised. I walked over to bed and stood there combing through his hair with my fingers for a bit.  
“I have to take care of myself because I haven’t been doing that apparently, so I’m going to go,” I told him, “I’ll be back as soon as possible, don’t leave me.”  
The cafe that Louise and I went to was very cute. I love Louise she didn’t get my mind off of everything, because I feel like that’s impossible. But she did have me laughing, which hasn’t happened in a very long time.  
“Dan? Dan Howell?” a young voice said behind me. I turned around in my chair and saw a group 4 of girls that looked to be about 16 standing behind me.  
“Oh sorry, girls, um Dan really isn’t feeling well, I don’t know if he should talk to you guys,” said Louise jumping out of her chair.  
“No, no it’s fine, hey guys how are you,” I said smiling weakly. They all squealed, except for one, who was staring at me half curious and half concerned. I took pictures with the other 3 girls and the skipped off merrily.   
“Do you want a selfie?” I said with a fake smile to the other girl.  
“Are you ok… you look… different,” the girls said, almost whispering the last word, “where’s Phil, we haven’t seen or heard from you two in weeks, and I see you and you look like death.”  
“That’s enough,” said Louise using her “mum” voice. But it was too late I was already crying. The girl looked horrified and she seemed like she was trying to decide if she was going to stay or just run away from this situation, she decided to stay.  
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Did something happen? Holy shit I’m so sorry,” she said.  
“Phil was in a terrible car wreck,” I said, the girl gasped loudly and started crying too, “he is in the hospital, in a coma. I’ve been there this whole time.”   
“I’m so sorry,” she sobbed, “you have to tell everyone though. They are making up all these crazy theories, and what not.”  
“I’ll do a live show on Thursday, say everything,” I said. She nodded and wiped her eyes.  
“Is that a promise?” She asked sticking out her pinky.  
“Yes,” I said locking our pinkies together, “but um, sorry what’s your name?”  
“Madeline.”  
“Ok, well, Madeline you can’t tell anyone about this until I make it public, not even those girls you were with ok?”  
“Ok, I promise I won’t,” she said. I gave her a hug and she ran off.  
“That was a nice girl,” Louise said turning back to her sandwich.   
“Yeah she was,” I said smiling. My pocket started vibrating, pulling it out there was a number on the screen that I didn’t recognize.  
“Hello?”   
“Hello is this Dan Howell?” said an old woman’s voice on the other end.  
“This is an urgent message, your husband Phil, well something went wrong and he flatlined, we managed to get him back, but he was rushed to immediate brain surgery.”  
“WHAT,” I screamed, jumping up, almost knocking over the table. Louise was on her feet too, like she knew what was going on.   
“He was just put into surgery. I am not aware of his current state,” she said. I sprinted out of the cafe with Louise right behind me.   
When we got into the hospital I saw the nurse that was in the room right before I left.  
“What happened? Where is he? You said that you would protect him!”   
“Dan, please sit down, we don’t know what happened, it was very strange. Just please sit,” said the nurse.  
“I told him, I told him not to leave me. Oh God, Phil, please don’t leave me.”


	10. Chapter 10 (Phil's POV)

The next memory didn’t come in as a blur, it was extremely clear! Maybe that means that I’m coming back? Who knows. I looked around to see if I would recognize this memory and my heart soar as I saw where I was. Just like I hoped. Our wedding. We had it up in Manchester, we figured it was where we first met each other, we should have it there. We had it at this place called the Midland, which was a very beautiful place.  
At this point of the memory though, I was sitting in the hotel with my mum running around frantically, making sure my bowtie was perfect, my hair, everything.   
“Mum relax, he doesn’t care about what I look like. I could walk in there in pyjamas and he would still marry me. It’ll be ok.”   
“I want everything to be perfect for you,” her eyes shining with tears.  
“I’m marrying the love of my life,” past me said, “it will perfect.” My mum threw her arms around me. Oh god that was such a cheesy line, but to be honest it was pretty cute. My mum spent the last few minutes in the hotel checking and double checking things. Finally, it was time. This is when Martyn knocked on the door and walked in.  
“You ready? It’s time,” he said.   
“Ready as I’ll ever be!” I said jumping off the bed. Martyn pulled me into a hug.   
“I’m so happy for you,” he said tears in his eyes, “you have found your perfect match and I hope you two have the best life together.”  
“Thanks, bro,” I said wiping the tears from my eyes. And this memory faded out.

The next came in clearly again. Past me was nervously fidgeting with my bowtie, and glancing around. People were coming in and chatting. I didn’t recognize a lot of people from Dan’s side, which wasn’t surprising we rarely go to his place.   
Some people came up to the altar and congratulated me, but most just left me to myself. Which, I don’t know why, made me more nervous. I looked around the venue. During the wedding I didn’t look at the venue much. I was just too nervous. It really was beautiful. Dan picked this place because one of his friends got married here and he loved it.   
I walked around the room, looking at all the decorations, invisible to everyone else. I went over to the door, I always wondered what Dan was doing at this point, but there was like a barrier between me and the hall. This was my memory, I figured so I was only seeing the things that I saw. This is when the judge walked in and everyone quieted down and sat. Soft music started playing.  
The flower girl, Louise’s daughter Darcy, started the line. Then the bridesmaids and groomsmen. We only had two bridesmaids and two groomsmen. The bridesmaids were Louise and Cat. And our groomsmen were Martyn and Dan’s brother. Finally, everyone stood and Dan appeared in the door at the end of the aisle, his parents on either side of him.   
Past me started crying, and not going to lie, I started crying too. I got to watch the happiest day of my life again. I looked around the crowd, literally everyone was crying. Including my parents, Dan’s parents who had sat down once they took Dan to the altar, and of course, Dan and I.  
“Dan and Phil,” the judge started clearing his voice, “today is a celebration. A celebration of love, of commitment, of friendship, of family, and of two people who are in it for forever. This wedding ceremony may be different to others, but in my mind all of them are similar, no matter the genders of the two. You are two people in love.”   
I wiped my eyes and started walking around some more. This part where the judge was going on and on about our “different” wedding kind of drove me nuts, that was the only thing that I didn’t like about my wedding. So I stopped listening until I heard Dan’s voice.  
“Phil Lester,” he started, then he had to pause because of the tears, “Phil, I promise to always be there for you. Through anything. Just like you were always there for me through my hardest and darkest times.”  
“I promise that I will always try to make you laugh. And make sure that you have the best time with me. I promise that I will always love you forever, and always. And that I will never stop loving you, and finally I promise, I will be by your side, through anything, any big decisions we have to make, any hard thing. I will stick with you.” Past Dan finished his vows and smiled at past me and wiped his eyes. Now it was my turn to say my vows.   
“Dan Howell,” past me started, “we’ve been through it all. So I promise that I will go through even more with you. I promise that I will always keep you on your toes, with breaking things most likely,” this made the audience laugh.   
“I also promise that I will always be there for you, and I will NOT leave you. I will never leave you for anything. I promise that I will try to make you the happiest person and love you forever and ever.”  
“Phil Lester will you take Dan Howell and love him forever and ever as long as you both shall live?” asked the Judge.  
“I will,” said past me.  
“And Dan Howell will you take Phil Lester and love him forever and ever as long as you both shall live.”  
“I will,” said past Dan through tears, I had forgotten that Dan literally cried through the entire ceremony.  
“Then I pronounce you husbands!” he exclaimed “the groom's may kiss!” It was weird watching our first kiss as newlyweds, I was kind of jealous of my past self, I wanted to kiss my Dan again. The audience cheered, we grabbed hands, held them in the air and walked out of the room with our bridesmaids and groomsmen following us.


	11. Chapter 11 (Dan's POV)

The surgery lasted 4 hours. I spent that entire time sitting in a chair in the waiting room with my head in my hands. Switching back and forth from crying and just feeling, nothing. Louise stayed with me the entire time.   
“Y’know. I think, I’m going to do a liveshow right now, I mean it is Tuesday, that’s when I normally do them, I should just let everyone know… just in case, like, something happens,” I said.  
“Wait? Really?” said Louise.  
“Yeah, think I will. I’ll tweet it and go on in like 10 minutes.”  
“Well if that’s what you think would be best.” I sent out a tweet that said, ‘Hey guys! Doing a very quick liveshow in 10 minutes. Gotta tell you guys something.’ Those ten minutes went by very quickly. I didn’t have a computer or anything around me so, I just used my phone.  
“Hey everyone, sorry about the wait and confusion,” I said starting out my show, “so I’m just going to start with the big stuff, no dilly dallying, I only want to be on here for 20ish minutes. I’ll tell you what’s been happening, I’ll take a few questions, then I’ll go.” I looked over at the chat and all of them basically said,’wtf is going on’, ‘I’m super scared,’ and, ‘Dan are you ok? You don’t look too good.’  
“So. A few weeks ago,” I sucked in my breath, tears already starting to form, “Phil was in a car wreck. He has been in a terrible state, he’s been in a coma. Something failed today and he was sent into emergency brain surgery. Which is where he is right now. I’m at the hospital waiting for the results of the surgery.” I started crying. The chat went insane. No one knew how to handle it. It was going so fast I couldn’t read what anything to say.  
“I really don’t know at this point. If the surgery goes right. He will hopefully survive, but you never know. So that has where we have been. Phil is out cold and I am here hoping and praying that he won’t leave me,” I said not even trying to get rid of the tears, “ok ok I’ll go to the premium chat and take some questions.”  
“How are you? Um… well, not very good obviously, today was the first day that I’ve eaten for like 4 days, and that’s only because Louise,” I said swinging the camera at her, “made me.”   
“How did it happen? He was in a taxi, a drunk driver was going ridiculously fast and ran a red light, the rest is history.”  
“What were some of his injuries? Oh God what didn’t he have? Um… whiplash, collapsed lungs, broken bones, brain damage. Oh and a huge cut on his cheek”  
“He’s in surgery right now? Yes at this very moment Phil is in brain surgery, there is a board up there saying that it should be over in a few minutes then he will be moved to recovery.”  
“I love you Dan. Thanks you guys I love you too. I wasn’t even planning on saying anything but, I don’t know, I guess you guys deserve to know.”  
“Phil is great he can totally get through this. That’s what everyone is saying and that is what I’m hoping,” I said. Louise nudged me and pointed at the board showing all the surgeries progress, the board said that Phil’s was over, meaning that the doctor would be out to speak with us soon.   
“Phil’s surgery is over guys, the doctor will be here soon, I need to go.” Everyone in the chat said, ‘tell us when you can!’  
“I will tell you when I get the chance. I really love you guys, thank you for always being there for us. Also, try and, I dunno, protect us? Everyone is going to have an opinion on this so just, look out for us. Bye guys.”  
“That went well,” I said, ending the liveshow.   
“Of course it did,” said Louise, “what did you expect? Hate? People being mean to you? Of course it went well Dan, your subscribers absolutely love you guys.” This is when my phone exploded, texts and tweets from all of my friends. I didn’t answer any of them, they all said the same thing. ‘I’m so sorry,’ ‘sending prayers for you!’ Things like that. I was grateful yes, but I just need to do this alone. I put my head on Louise’s shoulder.  
“They told you. The brain surgery will definitely help him, it will be ok, and look at this,” she said pointing at my phone that was still exploding, “everyone loves you and is here for you.”   
“But they don’t know the whole story though,” I whispered  
“What do you mean?” she asked. I picked my head up off her shoulder to look her in the eyes.  
“I did this to him, I am the reason that he is here, right now!” I said crying out.  
“Oh Dan, not this again. Even if this is your fault, or you believe it’s your fault, you’ve done a lot to make up for that. You fucked up once, yes there is nothing that you can do about it! But you have done everything you can to stay with him, you have been in the hospital more than any one of us combined! Dan the only one who is still mad at you is you.” I didn’t say anything, there was nothing to say. Maybe I was too hard on myself? But if Phil does die, we all know that it will be my fault. This is when a doctor walked out of the door, noticed Louise and I, and walked towards us. We both stood up.  
“Dan Howell?” he asked walking towards me.  
“Yes and, um this is my friend, Louise Pentland.”  
“Hello, why don’t we sit down,” he said his facial expression said nothing. So I guess we would just have to hear what he says.  
“So, how is he?” asked Louise.  
“Phil’s surgery went perfect,” he said smiling. Louise cheered and I burst into tears, like usual.   
“He is in recovery right now, I am not sure if or when he will wake up. He still does have a chance of death. But his chance for life is much higher.”  
“Thank you, thank you so much,” I said shaking his hand.  
“You’re very welcome. I am so glad to help him, that guy is a fighter.”  
“Yup, he is, he’s my fighter,” I said smiling through happy tears.


	12. Chapter 12 (Phil's POV)

A lounge of a house that I didn’t recognize faded in. It was extremely blurry and that scared me. The last one was so clear, this is so blurry. What does all of this mean? Then, there was a loud squeal and a naked toddler girl ran through the flat, and… Dan was chasing after her holding an open diaper.  
“Amanda come back! I swear if you pee all over the floor again you will be in timeout for at least a week,” he yelled. Then I walked in the door. I looked slightly older, and I was holding a baby that looked to be about 9 months.  
“Amanda! Let your daddy put your diaper on! I’m trying to put baby Luke to sleep!” I said. The toddler, Amanda apparently, looked at me then Dan then laid down.  
“I swear to God she only listens to you,” Dan muttered bitterly.  
“Guess I got the gift,” I laughed, “I have to go put Luke to sleep.” This situation was very strange it’s not like anything that I’ve seen so far. This was the future. Since this hadn’t actually happened I could walk around the entire house. It was larger than our flat. It was very quaint. I actually really liked it.  
Dan walked in and flopped down on the couch, rubbing his head. I followed in a few minutes later sitting next to him and pulling him in my arms. I looked us, we didn’t look different, Dan’s hair was shorter, no fringe and he was wearing it natural. I looked exactly the same except, a scar on my cheek? That’s strange wonder where that came from.   
“Was Luke easy to put to sleep?” Dan asked looking up at me.   
“He’s always easy to put to sleep,” future me said.  
“Good well, you’re in charge of Amanda last night then!” said Dan and future me laughed. We both sat on the couch for a while, Dan had his head in my lap scrolling through his phone.  
“You know,” future me started.  
“Hm,”  
“I think, I think I’m gonna quit Youtube.”  
“What!” Dan said sitting up quickly.  
“I don’t know, Dan, I’m almost 35, we have enough money we don’t need both of us doing Youtube. And I want to have more time with the kids. I think that you should keep doing it though,” I was just as surprised as Dan was on my future self’s decision. Dan sat there for a moment and thought about it.  
“Yeah,” he said finally, “yeah… that… is a good idea, if you think that you should do it then well… do it! Whatever you think is best babe!”  
“Really you do?” asked future me.  
“Totally! Do whatever you think is best for the kids and for us,” Dan smiled, and he reached out for my face, cupping it in his hands and bringing me in for a kiss. We sat there and just kissed for a very long time. When we pulled back we stared at each other for a while.  
“You know,” Dan finally said tracing his thumb over the scar on my cheek, I think that this scar makes you look pretty badass and sexy.”   
“Oh thanks,” I said pulling away from him.  
“No really it does! I don’t know why you’re so insecure about it! Every time someone asks where you got it you should be like, oh well you should see the other guy.”  
“Thanks Dan. I love you so much,” I said kissing him on the forehead.  
“I love you too.” Dan said back, and while this vision faded out I saw us making out, again.

The next “vision” I guess you could call it was even blurrier than the first one. I don’t know why that scared me so much, but it did. I looked around this room, another one that I didn’t recognize. And saw two little old men sitting across from each other playing checkers, arguing like an old married couple.  
“Phil, you just cheated. I literally just saw you,” I gasped when I realized that these two little old men were Dan and I. We were arguing like an old married couple, well because we were an old married couple.  
“You have no proof,” elderly me said.   
“Over 60 years and I still have to put up with this!” elderly Dan exclaimed. There was a knock on the bedroom door and a nurse walked in, followed by a pretty woman with long brown hair and a handsome man that looked just like her.  
“Good afternoon gentlemen, I’m just here to check on you guys, also I found these guys just roaming the halls so I thought that I should just bring them to you,” the nurse laughed. Dan looked over at the woman.   
“Amanda,” he said, I looked over at the woman and realized the she was the streaking toddler, “Amanda come over here and tell your father to stop cheating.”  
“Luke you come be on my team,” elder me exclaimed.  
“Dads I’m actually here to tell you something,” said Amanda, we both looked up at her curiously, I too wondered what our future daughter had to say to us.  
“Dads… I finally was able to get pregnant!” she exclaimed. There were cheers and hugs and a lot of congratulations after that announcement. Dan, was of course, crying. Then this vision started to disappear. But instead of how it did all these other times, it sort of went from one vision to another. I saw my family partying because of a pregnancy, then I saw a blurry ceiling and I heard a lot of beeping. I then realized that I was blinking.  
With every blink the vision disappeared and the room I was actually in became clearer, I blinked one more time and the vision was gone. I was unable to lift my head but I could look around. I was attached to many machines in a dark hospital room. I missed him the first time but looking around the room once more. I saw him, I saw Dan, looking pale and sickly in the corner of the room in an arm chair, a white hospital blanket wrapped around his shoulders looking at his phone.  
“D-dan,” I croaked out. I was not expecting my voice to be this hoarse.  
“Dan,” I croaked louder. Dan looked up.  
“Phil,” he yelled dropping the phone and blanket.


	13. Chapter 13 (Dan's POV)

If you asked me what my three favorite memories were it would be when I married Phil, when I hit one million subscribers, and when I was able to leave the hospital with him, 5 months after the terrible car wreck.   
“I’m walking like an old man,” said Phil as we were walking towards a taxi to take us home, finally.  
“You literally snapped your leg,” I laughed, “the doctors said that they were surprised that you could walk at all.”  
“I’m pretty badass.”  
“You’re a fighter, that’s what you are.”  
“Why does everyone keep saying that?” Phil asked. I stopped and turned to look him in the eyes.  
“What do you mean why does everyone keep saying that? Phil you were going to die! Everyone thought you were going to die! Or at least have issues walking. And look you are literally walking out the hospital.”  
“Well I guess I am a fighter then.”  
“You’re such a spork,” I laughed, “but yes, yes you are. I love you. I’m so glad that you didn’t leave me.” I leaned over and kissed him quickly.  
“You think that you can get rid of me by hitting me with a car? No way. Gonna have to try harder,” he laughed. We spent the car ride home wrapped up together. I could kind of tell that Phil was afraid to get in the car, I didn’t blame him.  
“Oh my God I can’t believe that I’m finally home!” Phil exclaimed as I unlocked the front door and helped him up the stairs. I helped him on the couch then sat as close as possible next to him.  
“I really was so afraid that you were going to leave me,” I whispered.   
“I was too, how long was I out?” he asked.  
“About 3ish weeks,” I said. 

The next few days were very quiet. Then people started coming over bringing us food, and giving Phil gifts. Our doorbell rang about a week later. I went to answer it, it was Martyn. I hadn’t talked to him since he blamed me for the reason that Phil was in the wreck.  
“Oh… hey,” I said awkwardly.  
“Can I talk to you Dan,” he asked.  
“Uh yeah, sure,” we stood outside awkwardly as Martyn tried to figure out what he was going to say.   
“Um. I don’t know how to start this, I’m just so sorry for everything that I said Dan, I shouldn’t have. I was scared that I was going to lose my little brother. So I am very very sorry for all of that.”  
“It’s ok, really, I understand everything,” I said, “I was an ass. I get it. Holy shit have I learned my lesson. Never again. I’m sorry too Martyn.”  
“It’s ok,” he said, “I just hope you don’t hate me or anything.”  
“I of course don’t hate you! It totally was understandable,” I said.  
“Good,” he said holding out his hand for me to shake it, but I pulled him into a hug.   
“Thank you for always being there for my baby brother,” he said.  
“I will always be there for him.”

I went back inside after a few minutes of chatting with Martyn outside. Smiling, glad that I made up with Martyn. Good, I really like him.  
“Who was that?” Phil asked.  
“Oh, it was just your brother,” I said.  
“My brother?! Why didn’t he come talk to me?”  
“We had to work something out, it’s all good.”  
“Well good, what’d he say?”  
“Thanked me for being there with you this whole time, cause damn I could get a car to crash into you and I still can’t get rid of you.”  
“And you never will,” he said cuddling into me. I don’t know what my future with Phil will bring but I do know one thing, it’ll be the most fun that I’ve ever had.

**Author's Note:**

> I know that the first chapter is slow I HAVE TO GET A PLOT GOIN THOUGH.


End file.
